And the winner is...not you!

I'm certain that I'm not the only person in the entire world who irrationally gets angry at people, right? Please tell me I'm right...

So this week I received an e-mail from one of the professional organization that I'm a member of informing me that I was not selected for an award. I've been a member of this organization for 17 years, and I served on the board of directors for ten years. I was even the president of the organization. So, here's the e-mail I got:

I regret to inform you that your nomination for our Honorary Lifetime Membership Award was not selected from this year's pool of exceptional nominees. It was a pleasure for the reading committee to become familiar with your program and note the kind support and appreciative comments of your administration and students. With best wishes for your continued teaching and appreciation for your contributions to the profession.

A bit of background on this award: It has only been around for about four years. Every person who has received the award has at one time served as a member of the board of directors. In the entire time that this award has been in existence, I don't know of anyone who was nominated that wasn't awarded it.

Needless to say, I AM PISSED! Here's the funny thing...I was nominated by some of the teachers in my district, and they did it without telling me about it beforehand. It was supposed to be a surprise. Well imagine my surprise when I get an e-mail telling me that I will not be given an award that I didn't know I was nominated for! It's funny, but I'm hurt. The rational side of me says that I shouldn't care. It's just an award. It's not like it was the Nobel Prize or the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. I guess the part that hurts is that I have done a LOT for this organization, and as a matter of fact, no one has served on the board of directors as long as I did. I should just forget about it, or as the wicked-ly talented Adele Dazeem sings: "Let it go," but that's not me...I can't let anything go. I hold on to it and think about it over and over. I spend time wondering what it is about me that makes people forget about my many contributions. It's not like I did everything that I did so that I would one day be rewarded, but damn, it would sure be nice to be recognized. I didn't expect anyone to nominate me for the award, but it's just a little insulting to be told that I didn't get it.

On another note, this isn't the first time something like this has happened to me. I was nominated for president of my national professional organization last year, but the selection committee sent me a nice letter telling me that I didn't meet the criteria they were looking for. I was fine with that (sort of) until I saw who it was that they actually selected to run...people who did less than me, people who complained about the work we had to do, people who didn't do their work. Oh, ok...you wanted someone LAZY to be in charge. I get it! Thanks for clearing that up for me. (See what I mean about not letting things go? I'm still pissed about that, and it was over a year ago!)

There are other incidents, but I'll spare you. It just is disappointing, especially because it happens to me quite often. Whenever it does happen I try to look inward to see if there is something wrong with me. Do I do or say things that just turn people off? I know that conventional wisdom says that we shouldn't put much stock in what others think or say about us, but in reality, that isn't true. What others think and say about us does affect us. It keeps us from getting promotions. It keeps us from lots of things. I can't just walk around life saying "Oh well, that's THEIR problem" whenever something like this happens to me. If it happens often, and to me it does, I honestly have to think that maybe I'm the one who is the problem, right? Maybe this is why people tell me I should start drinking...

¡Feliz año nuevo! Adiós 2013.

Another year passed, another year older...ugh! lol

This has been a busy year for me. When I look back over my calendar I realize that I've done a LOT of traveling this year. Most of it was work related, but I did manage to have some personal travel time. I spent a week in London for vacation in March. Then in April I went to Boston (twice) for meetings. The two trips were just before and after the Boston bombing. In May I went to Idaho (the DUH part) to watch my niece graduate from high school. Then in July I spent ten days in Japan as a part of a program for school administrators. Later in July I drove down to LA for a family reunion. In October I went up to San Francisco for my brother's wedding. I spent two weeks in Orlando for a conference (and vacation) in November, and at the beginning of December spent two days in Beijing for another work conference. My last trip was to Utah for Christmas. Flying-wise I racked up more than 50,000 miles. I now have Gold Status on Delta!! Bring on the upgrades!!!

2013 was also a sad year for me. I lost my first born dog, Parley. I didn't know he was sick until early February when I took him in for a routine teeth cleaning. Because he was over 10 years old, they recommended extra blood work, and they found that he was having problems with his kidneys. Basically they were operating at less than 30%. It was very surprising because Parley never acted sick. He just seemed like the normal dog that he always was. They kept him at the clinic for a few days and rehydrated him, but the vet warned that it would help him in the short term, but that he could go downhill quickly. He got sick again in late May and this time I was sure it was the end. He spent an entire week at the vet, this time he was acting sick. He had thrown up a few times and wouldn't eat for days. Crazy enough, he pulled through and got better. He ended up passing away the day before I came home from my trip to Japan. I was devastated. It's so funny how I still expect him to be around. When I get up from the couch I check to make sure he isn't underfoot. Now that I've moved homes I keep having this recurring dream where he is lost and can't find me because he only knows where our old house was. :(

I did get a new puppy to replace Parley. Hinckley, another cocker spaniel, joined my family in September. He's quite a little monster, but he's tons of fun too. He is about to turn six months old next week, and he has really started turning into the cuddler. My other cocker, Hunter, is warming up to him and they play together now. (And yes, you might have noticed my dog names...Parley, Hunter, and Hinckley. When I was right out of high school my family got a cocker spaniel, we named him Kimball. When I decided to get my own dog I jokingly said I'd give him a church name. My sister and I went back and forth with some names (Mahonri, Teancum, etc.), but when we came to Parley, I loved it! Then when I got my other two dogs I just kept it up.

I sold my house in September. It's the first house I ever bought and I lived in it for ten years. That's the longest I've ever lived in one place in my entire life. I moved into my new house the day before my China trip in early December. I just unpacked the last box the other day, so I guess I'm officially moved in. I still need to hang up pictures and buy some furniture, but that's going to wait a few weeks. I'm kicking around the idea of doing some painting and replacing the interior doors.

Overall it was a good year. I had some down times, but who doesn't? I'm still single...anyone? anyone?

NEWS FLASH: Pigs Fly, There are people Ice Skating in Hell, Gay are Getting Married in Utah!

Well, this has been an interesting week with all of the gay marriage stuff going on in Utah. I have a few friends who got married. One couple that I worked with years ago, have been together for 15 years. It is great that they are now a legal family. They adopted a little girl back in 2002. I'm so happy for them. Another former co-worker of mine married her partner the day after they had their first baby. How's that for a busy week? Then just this morning on Facebook one of my friends from my BYU days announced that he was getting married today to his partner...one of the first guys I dated. (Not as awkward as it may seem.) They've been together for at least 12 years.

I'm sure that there are other people I know who have recently gotten married, but I just haven't heard about it yet. How exciting! It was amazing seeing the pictures of the long lines of couples waiting to get married. I just want to ask those people who think it's "all about sex" what the lines are for. I mean if these people just want to have sex, why are they waiting in line? If it isn't about love, why are they doing it? I think we all know you don't need to be gay married to have gay sex. (Can I get an amen?) Anyhow, I know that there are people who are so upset about the whole thing. I'm one who really truly tries to see the other person's side in a dispute. If I can understand where they're coming from, it makes it easier for me to deal with them. I just can't figure out how these people think that their marriages are somehow diminished, harmed, etc. just because gays are getting married. I can only think that they have decided that God is against it so they are too.

I've enjoyed reading other people's comments and postings about what has been going on. Some of the best that I've read are below:

• A Gay Biologist: 
• http://agaybiologist.blogspot.com/2013/12/whoa-utah.html
• Inside My Life as a Gay Mormon: 
• http://insidegaymormon.blogspot.com/2013/12/full-heart-but-troubled-mind-utahs-gay.html
• Mormons Building Bridges:  
• http://www.facebook.com/groups/mormonsbuildingbridges/permalink/444735888960611/

It's been very interesting. I went home to my parents' house in Kaysville (Utah) for Christmas, and the gay marriage thing NEVER came up. I don't think it was on purpose, but I could be wrong. I think it's just reached a point in my family that it is a non-issue. When I say non-issue I mean they just aren't making a deal out of anything gay. It is what it is. Maybe I should have brought it up to see what people would have said. (I will admit to being a shit stirrer from time to time.)

I'm going to end this here. I have a few points I want to make, but my sleeping pills are kicking in and I am having to correct too many typing errors. :)

Holy Long Time, No See Batman!

Wow, it's been MONTHS since I last posted anything! I'm sitting here at work bored to death...not because I don't have anything to do, I just don't have anything that I want to do. I'm excited about my new house. I signed all of the paperwork yesterday, and I'm just waiting from my Realtor to call me so that I can get my keys.

I must say that I've been very lucky with this purchase. I have lived in my old house for over ten years...the longest I've EVER lived in any house. Earlier this year homes in my neighborhood were selling for $60-70 thousand, so I was upside-down on my loan. I checked prices out again in August and noticed that they had doubled, so I decided to try selling. I found an excellent Realtor, she came over, took pictures, put the house up on the MLS listing and the very next day I had an offer for the full asking price! I couldn't believe it.

It took several weeks to find my new house, but I'm very pleased. It's an older home...built in 1976, but the previous owners have done all of the expensive remodel work: custom cabinets, granite counter tops, real wood flooring, tiled shower, etc. I love it! It's about 500 sq. ft. larger than my old house, but still three bedrooms. There are a few things that I'll eventually change in the house, like repaint the yellow family room, but there really isn't anything that sticks out as needing immediate attention. The best part of this house is the fact that I actually have a back yard! If you know the Las Vegas area, you understand what I mean. Land is a premium here, and in many cases, your back yard is more like a tiny square of land with dirt or rocks. This yard actually has grass! My dogs will be so happy.

I'm moving in tomorrow, and then on Thursday I'm off to China for a few days for work. Am I crazy? Yes...

Jolly Old England...just not for me.

Hello out there...I'm on vacation in London. I've been here for almost a week, and I go home tomorrow morning. Overall it's been a nice trip. I got to see lots of the things I didn't get to see on my last trip here in 2009. I was sidelined a bit by a brief cold that hit me the morning I left home. By the time I made it to London, the cold was in full effect. My body was sore, my nose was constantly running, I was coughing, couldn't breathe, etc. I wiped my nose so much I got that painful raw patch underneath my nostril (that looks so attractive too). Anyhow, it's mostly gone, but the dreadful cold and rain that they've had here in London hasn't helped. I think yesterday was the first day that I didn't rain.

So what am I doing today? Nothing...it's my last day in this city, it's almost 4:00 p.m., and I'm still in my pajamas in bed. Why? My good old friend depression. :(

Here's the thing, I'm here alone...like I am on all of my trips. I don't really mind it, I travel alone all the time. It's easier that way because everything gets done exactly the way I want it. I always get my way! I don't have to compromise. The problem is, I ALWAYS get depressed when I travel. Traveling alone is a very lonely thing, and usually I hit a point where it gets to me. So what triggered it this time? Two things.

First of all, last night I went to dinner at a wonderful restaurant: Jamie's Italian (by British Chef Jamie Oliver). The food was fantastic...I had the Chicken Cacciatori special. It was so good. So, I get seated, order my virgin mojito (also good) and the hostess sits a couple at the table next to me...a gay couple. They're young and beautiful with that sexy British accent, and they're together, obviously on a date. I think they might have been celebrating a little anniversary. I just sat there eavesdropping on their conversation. Telling each other about their day at work. Sharing appetizers. One of them spilled a little sauce on his shirt. The other one helped clean it off him. I was mesmerized and so alone and it made me sadder and sadder. Jealousy is such an ugly trait, and I wear it so well!! I finished my meal, paid, and left...and walked back to my hotel room alone. Wah-wah-wah....

Here's the second thing that happened: Not only did I not get the new job I applied for, I got an e-mail telling me that I wasn't even going to be considered for an interview. Now this is a job that MULTIPLE people said I would be perfect for. I know I would have done an excellent job. The minimum qualifications were all me, but I didn't even get an interview. If you don't get an interview in our system, it means the screening committee felt you weren't qualified. I'm sorry, but that's just bullshit. (Pardon my language.) Here's the thing, I KNEW I wasn't going to get the job. (There were two positions...and it would have been about a $25,000 raise!) I knew exactly who the two people were that they would hire, and I personally know that neither of them meet the minimum qualifications for the job. I'm not saying this to boost my ego, it's the simple truth. But here's another thing, I don't really want to work for the person that would have been my boss. She's an awful tyrant who is bipolar. I would have to walk on egg shells around her. And if I got the job, one of my co-workers would immediately try to act like she's my boss when we would be equals. I know I would have ended up regretting taking the job. So why am I mad? I never really had my heart set on the job because I knew it was going to go to these other two people. There never was any doubt in my mind. WHY AM I UPSET ABOUT THIS?

So, I get back to the hotel, read my e-mail telling me that I'm not getting interviewed, and then end up not sleeping. I have been up for over 28 hours now. I stayed up all night reading and chatting online because I had to fill my mind up with something else or I would fill it with thoughts about this stupid job and my being alone. I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts because they will completely undo me. I have spent my last day in London laying in bed feeling sorry for myself not going out to see the last places I planned to visit. I am completely screwing myself over, and I'm fully aware of it. WHY AM I DOING THIS? I just don't get it. I will eventually get up, shower, and leave my room. I have to eat, for crying out loud....my stomach is making awful noises. Plus I have tickets to see Helen Mirren in the play The Audience here on the West End. I definitely won't miss it, but why have I done this? Again!

I'm almost 43 years old...yet I spend at least one day a week hidden away from the world (usually Sunday). I get up at some crazy late hour (usually after 10 a.m.) and lay on the couch all day like a vegetable watching TV. I don't shower, brush my teeth, etc. If I do leave my house, it's only to go get food. Sometimes I feel so childish and immature. Are there people I could call to hang out? Yes, but I don't want to. I just want to be alone wallowing in my being alone. See how stupid this is? I'm lonely, and I'm depressed about being lonely, so I shut myself off from everyone...alone. And yes, I take medication...my crazy pills can't fix this.

Please tell me I'm not the only person who acts stupid like this. I am fully aware of how asinine I am being, yet I continue. Why am I upset about this job? Why am I still jealous over those two boys in the restaurant? Why am I still in this damn bed?

UGH!

Mortality

On Saturday I took my two dogs (cocker spaniels) to the vet for their annual teeth cleaning. Their dog breath has been AWFUL lately! LOL

Being that both of my dogs are considered to be senior citizens, (they're 10 and 8) I followed the vet's recommendation that they do blood work before administering anesthesia. A little bit after I dropped them off, the vet called me about my older dog, Parley. Apparently his blood work showed that he had some type of kidney infection and that his numbers were really bad. They put him on an IV with an antibiotic and ran a urinalysis. She said she wanted to keep him at the hospital for a few days to observe him and keep him on fluids. He apparently was dehydrated. (Which is weird because this dog drinks water like there's a shortage or something!)

Basically after keeping him on the IV for a few days and running all of their tests he has a few things wrong with him. First of all he has a urinary tract infection. In addition he has kidney disease. Originally they thought that the infection was causing the kidney problems, but it's not. They're two separate problems. The kidney problem is what is making him dehydrated. She says it doesn't matter how much water he drinks, his kidneys aren't doing their job, so the water basically just runs out of him. Right now his kidneys are working at 33%, which is really bad. The vet says that the best thing for him would be to keep him hooked up to IV fluids 24/7, but of course that's not possible.

The craziest thing about this is that if you saw him, you'd never know he was sick. He looks and acts fine. I really had no clue that he was so sick, which makes me feel terrible. I did notice that he's lost some weight, but since I have had both of the dogs on a diet (including myself), I didn't think it was odd. Apparently, he's lost too much weight though, and that's due to the kidney disease.

I normally keep them locked up in the kitchen when I go to work because they have been known to spend the day outside barking, and I got some complaints from my neighbors. Well a few weeks ago I came home and one of them had peed in the kitchen. This is odd because they never have accidents in the house (unless it rains...they're too prissy to go out in the rain). I figured it was a fluke, so I didn't give it a second thought. Well, the next day I came home and found more pee in the kitchen. Again, I didn't get too worried because I thought it was just because they're getting older and can't hold it as long as they used to. Now I know it's because of the disease. Now I'm annoyed with myself because I feel like I should have noticed the signs earlier, but as they say, hindsight is 20/20.

Today he gets to come home. According to the vet, she has no idea when things will go downhill for him. He isn't in any danger of dying right away, but it all just depends. The disease isn't something that's come on all of a sudden. It's been gradual. Being on IV fluids and antibiotics for the past few days has been good for him and has raised his numbers. They're not great, but they're much better. What that means is that now that he's at home and off the fluids, his numbers can go bad slowly or quickly. The vet says that he could be fine for several months, several weeks, or just a few days.

I'm absolutely beside myself with this. I know that dogs die...it happens all the time. My family had three dogs when I was growing up, and they all eventually died. I know this, but it is just devastating news. I've had him since he was a puppy. I took him to puppy training. I taught him how to go up and down the stairs. He is the smartest dog I've ever had. I just can't imagine life without my Parley P.

It always strikes me as funny how we all understand about mortality. We know that no person or animal lives forever, but once we're faced with it, we're kicked in the gut. On an intellectual level I understand it, but on an emotional level, I'm a wreck!!

Holidays = Family drama

My sister and I have always joked about how it's not a true holiday until someone cries, and this Thanksgiving lived up to that.

My parents have been staying at my place for the past few weeks dog sitting for me while I've been in China and Philadelphia for work. Since it was so close to Thanksgiving, we decided to celebrate it at my house this year. My sister and her family weren't able to come down, but my brother flew in on Monday with his fiance. (It was my first time meeting her...she's real nice and I think she'll fit in really well.)

After they arrived on Monday we went out to dinner to my dad's favorite Las Vegas eating establishment...a casino buffet. (Barf!) As we ate we engaged in the usual dinner conversations, chatting about a ton of different topics. During the course of the conversation though, someone mentioned Glenn Beck. First of all, let me explain...my mother LOVES Glenn Beck. She watches everything he does and I honestly think she sees him as some type of prophet. This is odd to me because my mother has never been your typical Molly Mormon/Lemming/follower. She's usually a very good judge of character and doesn't suffer fools. For some reason, she believes everything that comes out of this man's mouth. Now, I'm not a Fox News hater. I'm actually quite conservative, and yes, I voted for Romney, but for some reason, Glenn Beck has always bothered me. I think it's just his delivery...he's over-the-top and he sees a conspiracy in EVERYTHING. Our conversation about Beck only lasted a few minutes, and from what I remember, all that was said that was he over exaggerated everything and sometimes comes off as being a nut. My mom didn't say anything, and she didn't seem to be upset. The rest of the evening went fine. Tuesday was fine. My brother's fiance left that evening to go see her family. Wednesday was fine. My parents, my brother and I went out to dinner. No problems. Well all of a sudden on Thursday morning my mother locks herself in my guest room and won't talk to anyone. My brother says that earlier in the morning when she came down to get some breakfast when my dad said good morning to her and she flipped him off. Then she stormed back upstairs and hid in the room. When it was time to go to dinner I asked if she was going to come with us and she told me that she wasn't going and then she started to cry. I asked her why and she tells me that we humiliated her in front of my brother's fiance and made her out to be a crazy person. I was completely floored. I didn't even know what she was talking about, so I asked, and she would only respond by saying "Glenn Beck." I don't know what happened between Monday evening and Thursday morning, but somehow she worked the entire two minute conversation up in her mind that because my brother and I don't like Glenn Beck that means she's a crazy person and we intentionally brought it up to humiliate her in front of her future daughter in law.

My mother is normally rational, but when she gets upset, the best thing to do is to leave her alone for a while so she can work it out. I bought tickets for her, my brother, and I to attend a show this evening (Saturday). Well, I woke up yesterday morning around 9:00 and found out that she and my father had packed up and returned to Utah. No goodbye...nothing. I'm not an insensitive person, but I am SO PISSED OFF right now. First of all, she completely ruined Thanksgiving and then she just takes off without even saying goodbye because we talked bad about Glenn Beck? Really? GLENN BECK is the reason our Thanksgiving was ruined?

I don't know what the hell is wrong with her, but she did something like this last Christmas. My brother and I said something. Whatever it was, we don't know, but she stopped talking to us and completely ignored us. I talked to my dad about it and mentioned that she may have some problems with depression or something, because this is very unlike her. She suffers from shingles, and the medicine she takes affects her memory, and I think too, her mood/emotions. You can't talk to her about it because she gets defensive, and my dad just tolerates her behavior now. I'm at the point that I have no desire to go home for Christmas for fear that I might say something that will set her off again. Our family is quite sarcastic and not PC at all...including my mother, but the past few years I've noticed her growing more and more sensitive. Now if I go home I have to walk on egg shells for fear that another stupid drama will come up.

I wrote her a long e-mail yesterday telling her that her behavior was uncalled for and it was mean. I told her that I was no longer planning to come home. She responded, but here was her main explanation: "...James, when I was looking at you while you were saying this to me, I felt that it was very clearly written on your face that you were enjoying every second of it.  You know that look that people have when they have just told you off good?  That's the look I saw." She didn't address the fact that I said I don't feel welcome in her home...nothing. Basically it was a non-apologetic apology.

I haven't canceled my plane tickets yet, but I still have no desire to go home. The problem is I know it'll just cause MORE drama if I don't, but I know that if I do go home things are going to be weird. I really would rather just stay here at home with my dogs. Maybe I'll go somewhere else on my own and have my own little Christmas celebration...

God Bless America!

I love to travel. I think it's because of my background as an Air Force brat. We moved every three years, and for a total of nine years, we lived outside of the country (three years in Germany, and six years in Japan). I just got back from a week in China for a work trip. I got to spend a few days in Shanghai and then I went to Chongqing. Overall it was a great trip and I got to see some amazing sites.

On my first night in Shanghai we took a cruise on the Bund and saw all of the neon-lit buildings. It was breath taking! (When I say we, it was the other people who came for the same set of meetings. I didn't go with anyone I knew.)

I must say, however, that I am so glad to be back in the United States for several reasons. Number one, while I love Chinese food, having it for three meals a day for seven days is overload. The city of Chonqing is in Sichuan province which is well known for their spicy food. I've never been afraid of spicy food, I can eat hot salsa like a Mexican, but in Sichuan cooking, they use these evil little peppercorns called Sichuan Peppercorns. I call them DEVIL SEEDS. They made my tongue numb! If you ever encounter these things, STAY AWAY!

My second reason is that I love cold drinks. I want ice in my drinks. This is one thing that drives me nuts about other countries. I know that in many Hispanic countries they think that drinking cold drinks is bad for your health. As the Mexican sisters would tell me on my mission: ¡Ay Élder, el hielo le hace daño al hígado! (Oh Elder, ice damages your liver!) I've asked doctors about that and they look at me like I'm crazy. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, one of the sisters that told me that also said that squirting breast milk into your eye will cure allergies! (In a pinch iguana blood will work too!)

My final reason...I miss my dogs! LOL If you have a dog, you'll understand, if you don't have a dog, you should! :) They sleep with me in bed, and I missed them. They have been my constant shadows since I walked in the door last night. They're so funny. I know they missed me too.

I'm DEFINITELY going to hell for this...

Why is it that I can't stop laughing about this Web site? Is there something wrong with me? lol

I just can't get over the facial expressions on these guys...hysterical!

For the full Web site, go to http://mormonmissionarypositions.com/

My Mormonism is ingrained...

Sometimes I forget how ingrained my Mormonism is. I haven't attended church in about 10 years, but I'm not angry at the Church, I'm just disappointed. I can't even explain why it is I stopped going. I just did. I guess I started feeling irrelevant there. I am too old to attend a singles ward (where the emphasis is on getting married), so I attended a family ward (where the emphasis was on being a good husband and father). Anyway, I just stopped.

My brother e-mailed me earlier today to tell me that he's engaged. He's the youngest of three in the family, I'm the oldest. My sister got married 18 years ago and has three kids. I'm the only one in the family who hasn't met his fiance. I think he's only mentioned her to me once or twice in the almost 2 years they've been dating. My brother has always secretive about everything, my mom says that he's afraid that I'll make fun of him. (I'm 42, he's 34...aren't we over that stage by now?) Anyhow, here's the thing...she's not LDS. <Cue dramatic music> I remember when my sister told me that he was dating her. It surprised me a little, but he took her up to Utah to meet my parents and my sister and her family sometime last year. Everyone absolutely loves her. My mom says she reminds her of my sister, she has a great sense of humor and fit in perfectly with everyone.

Here's my problem...why was my first thought "He's not getting married in the temple!"? I can't figure out why that was the first thought that came to my mind because apparently no one else in my family seems to think it's that big of a deal. Here's the other thing...I'm not from a typical LDS family. My mom joined the Church when I was 4 and we were living in Germany. My dad never joined the Church. He's never been religious in his entire life. I think his family only went to church for funerals or weddings when he was a kid. So it's not like it's some big deal to our family that someone is married to a non-member. We used to joke that we were only half-Mormon because people would look down on us because my dad never joined the Church. Apparently one time a sister in the ward complained to our bishop that my mom shouldn't be in the Young Women Presidency because she was married to a non-Member. <Eye roll>

And maybe that's my answer right there...I don't want my brother to be treated differently. If my family loves his fiance, that's good enough for me. I'm not worried about her not being LDS, though I know that it did cause quite a bit of conflict with my parents, but there were other issues that had nothing to do with the Church mixed in. I just don't want people to think my brother isn't "a good Mormon" or say things to or about his future kids because of his mother. I don't want to see them go through the Church arguments my parents went through when we were kids.

I do wonder, are they planning to raise the kids in her church (Catholic) or LDS? Will my brother take his children to church each week like my mom did? Is his wife going to take them to mass and catechism (whatever that is)? Will my brother be going to church alone? Have they talked about this stuff? I know it's his life and it's none of my business, but he's still my baby brother, so I'm concerned and worried...and happy for him.

Get your Kleenex out...

I love these two videos! They show seven couples talking about each of their relationships to their partners. They tell about the first time they met and the different situations they have been through that have proved their love and commitment for each other.

The first video introduces Susan and Brandy who have been together 13 years, Bob and John who have been together for 18 years, Susan and Judith who have been together 31 years, as well as Eliseo and Scott who have been together for 4 1/2 years.

The second video you meet three more couples and hear their stories of love. Cesar and Miguel  have been together for 2 1/2 years, Kristi and Tino have been together for 15 years, and Kevin and Dennis  have been together for over 30 years.

The videos were produced by Miracle Mile Productions for Marriage Equality USA. After watching these videos and hearing the things these say about their relationships, I can't understand how anyone could say that gay love isn't true love. 

The videos ask the question: “What if you couldn’t marry the person you loved?”

YOU'RE Mormon?!?!

Last week our superintendent started what is called "Fan Fridays." That means that we can wear jeans and a t-shirt or polo shirt with a school, district, or university logo. (We have to pay $5 if we do this...the money goes to charity, so I don't mind.)

Today I wore my BYU t-shirt. Go Cougars!! This lady in my office saw my shirt and with the most incredulous sounding voice said: "YOU'RE Mormon?!?!" I don't think she was trying to be rude, but I couldn't believe how shocked she was! Even one of the secretaries commented on how surprised the lady seemed. That struck me because I still consider myself to be "so Mormon" even though I haven't set foot in a chapel in almost 10 years. I'm clean cut, and I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. I don't think I've ever had someone act shocked when they hear I'm LDS. And before you roll your eyes, no...I'm not some big old queen!! OK, maybe I'm a little queeny, but I'm not in the Richard Simmons category! lol Ah, hell, who am I kidding? I assume most people think I'm gay.

I'm out to my immediate family, close friends, and some co-workers, but it's not something I advertise. To me being gay is one of the many labels that define me. It is not THE label that defines me. If someone asks, I'm honest. Otherwise I don't tell people. Sometimes I've volunteered the information because it was relevant to the conversation, but I don't think it's something that I need to tell everyone. It's funny because I know some people who have to tell EVERYONE. It's like they attach "...and I'm gay" to their name. "Hi, my name is Samuel, and I'm gay."

That reminds me of a character that Jim Carrey (who I normally can't stand) used to do on the old In Living Color show. He played this gay character who had to tell everyone he was gay, no matter the situation. It was funny, but I know people who are like this, and THEY DRIVE ME CRAZY!

Back in my first year teaching I had a student, Tiffany. She was one of those kids who was missing that filter in the brain that tells you what is and isn't appropriate. Well one day as I was getting things ready for school to start, she comes in early. There are a few kids in the room and I'm writing stuff up on the board. Here's our conversation:

Tiffany:  "Do you know what everyone says about you?"
Me: (I slowly turn around and look at her) "No, Tiffany. What do they say about me?"
Tiffany: "Everyone says you're gay."
Me: "Oh, OK." (I turn back around to write on the board)
Tiffany: "Don't you care?!?!"
Me: "Tiffany, do you know how long it's been since I've cared about what 14 year olds say about me behind my back?"
Tiffany: "No."
Me: "Well, I turn 27 in a few months, you do the math."
Tiffany: "Oh..." (Silent)

I think that now my response would be different. I should have looked at her in the eyes and said: "And?" lol

Maybe that's because I live and work in Las Vegas now instead of Utah County. Being outside of the Book of Mormon Belt has emboldened me a little more! Whenever I think of my time teaching in Utah I think that my students probably thought I was a fag, but I don't think they really thought I was gay. I mean, they all knew I was LDS and that I went on a mission. How could a Mormon returned missionary really be gay? I'm sure most of them know better by now.

National Coming Out Day

I guess you can say that I officially came out in the summer of 1995. I had been home from my mission for two years and I was attending BYU living in off-campus housing. Earlier in the summer I started talking with a guy from AOL, and he kept inviting me to attend to these group meetings that his roommate was holding in Lehi. I was worried about attending, so I kept putting him off.

Towards the end of the summer I was some friends in one of my classes when someone brought up one of our professors that we had all had during the winter semester. I mentioned that I was taking another class from him in the fall and that I loved him. (Meaning, I loved his class. He was an excellent teacher.) Anyhow, the guy got this funny look on his face and then in a real juvenile voice asks: "Oh, you loooooove him, huh?" I rolled my eyes, and everyone in the group laughed. Then he asked: "Haven't any of you seen the Daily Herald article about him???" He explained that they had published an article about him entitled: Gay BYU professor feels at peace." ¡Qué escándolo! As soon as class was over, I RAN to the library to find the article, and there it was...My professor was gay. I couldn't believe it.

A few days later I was talking with my AOL friend, and once again he tried to get me to come to the group meetings at his house. (They were Reconciliation meetings.) He explained that the next meeting was just going to be a BBQ, no pressure. I told him I would go, but I asked him if he happened to know my professor. He said that he did because he came to the meetings sometimes. I immediately decided that I WOULD NOT go. I couldn't have one of my professors know I'm gay!! (This sounds so ridiculous now...) He told me that my professor didn't always come, and that I shouldn't worry about it. I thought about it all week, and the next week I gathered my nerves and made the drive up to Lehi. I found the house and saw a bunch of people in the back yard, but I was still worried about running into my professor. I drove up and down the street a few times, but didn't see his truck. (I forget how I know what he drove, but it was a red truck.) Finally I decided I would drive around the block once more, and if I didn't see his truck, I'd park and go to the BBQ. Well as I finished my last circle, guess what I see coming down the street...that little red truck!!! I drove home right away! I think I made it back to Provo in five minutes! HAHA

The next day I got a call from my professor. He said that he thought he had seen me in Lehi the night before. At first I wanted to die...I was so embarrassed that someone I knew was privy to my big secret. We talked for a while, and he convinced me that I had nothing to worry about, so I started attending the Reconciliation meetings. It was actually great. I got to meet several other students who were going through the same things that I was. As crazy as it sounds, at the time I thought I was the only gay Mormon in the world. I'm sure I'm the only person who ever felt like that, right?

Through those meetings I made a group of friends and we remained close throughout our BYU experience. My last semester a bunch of us moved in together (not together together, just as roommates...those of you with dirty minds! lol). We were one of the "gay houses" at BYU. It was a great period of time. I learned to accept myself and realize that I was not evil and terrible because my "feelings" didn't go away. We hung out together, went clubbing together (before the Lord destroyed The Sun with the SLC tornado of '99), we attended our first Pride parade together, memorized all of the lines from the movie Jeffrey together, all while helping each other crawl out of the closet.

Sadly, as time went on, we all either graduated or left BYU for one reason or another. We ended up drifting apart and going our separate ways. There are a few of those friends that I keep up with via Facebook, but none of us really maintain constant contact that I know of.

So...Doug, Natalie, Tyler, Ted, Wil, Jared, Irish Mike, Kevin, Bob, Nathan, April, Darrin, Sam, Dave, as well as those of you whose names I've forgotten, If you're out there, I thank you for helping me through my coming out period. I couldn't have done it without you. :)

Happy National Coming Out Day!
-- James

It's Fall in Las Vegas!

That means it's only 87 degrees today. Living in Las Vegas is so funny sometimes. Why am I always surprised at how hot it gets here? You would think that after 10 years it wouldn't phase me. The worst part is the power bill. I can't stand being sweaty or hot, so I keep it cold in my house and I almost always have the ceiling fans running, even in the winter. My power bill in July was almost $300! Yes, I'm enemy #1 on Al Gore's list of people who are adding to global warming. At least I don't have my SUV any more... :)