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Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Jolly Old England...just not for me.

Hello out there...I'm on vacation in London. I've been here for almost a week, and I go home tomorrow morning. Overall it's been a nice trip. I got to see lots of the things I didn't get to see on my last trip here in 2009. I was sidelined a bit by a brief cold that hit me the morning I left home. By the time I made it to London, the cold was in full effect. My body was sore, my nose was constantly running, I was coughing, couldn't breathe, etc. I wiped my nose so much I got that painful raw patch underneath my nostril (that looks so attractive too). Anyhow, it's mostly gone, but the dreadful cold and rain that they've had here in London hasn't helped. I think yesterday was the first day that I didn't rain.

So what am I doing today?'s my last day in this city, it's almost 4:00 p.m., and I'm still in my pajamas in bed. Why? My good old friend depression. :(

Here's the thing, I'm here I am on all of my trips. I don't really mind it, I travel alone all the time. It's easier that way because everything gets done exactly the way I want it. I always get my way! I don't have to compromise. The problem is, I ALWAYS get depressed when I travel. Traveling alone is a very lonely thing, and usually I hit a point where it gets to me. So what triggered it this time? Two things.

First of all, last night I went to dinner at a wonderful restaurant: Jamie's Italian (by British Chef Jamie Oliver). The food was fantastic...I had the Chicken Cacciatori special. It was so good. So, I get seated, order my virgin mojito (also good) and the hostess sits a couple at the table next to me...a gay couple. They're young and beautiful with that sexy British accent, and they're together, obviously on a date. I think they might have been celebrating a little anniversary. I just sat there eavesdropping on their conversation. Telling each other about their day at work. Sharing appetizers. One of them spilled a little sauce on his shirt. The other one helped clean it off him. I was mesmerized and so alone and it made me sadder and sadder. Jealousy is such an ugly trait, and I wear it so well!! I finished my meal, paid, and left...and walked back to my hotel room alone. Wah-wah-wah....

Here's the second thing that happened: Not only did I not get the new job I applied for, I got an e-mail telling me that I wasn't even going to be considered for an interview. Now this is a job that MULTIPLE people said I would be perfect for. I know I would have done an excellent job. The minimum qualifications were all me, but I didn't even get an interview. If you don't get an interview in our system, it means the screening committee felt you weren't qualified. I'm sorry, but that's just bullshit. (Pardon my language.) Here's the thing, I KNEW I wasn't going to get the job. (There were two positions...and it would have been about a $25,000 raise!) I knew exactly who the two people were that they would hire, and I personally know that neither of them meet the minimum qualifications for the job. I'm not saying this to boost my ego, it's the simple truth. But here's another thing, I don't really want to work for the person that would have been my boss. She's an awful tyrant who is bipolar. I would have to walk on egg shells around her. And if I got the job, one of my co-workers would immediately try to act like she's my boss when we would be equals. I know I would have ended up regretting taking the job. So why am I mad? I never really had my heart set on the job because I knew it was going to go to these other two people. There never was any doubt in my mind. WHY AM I UPSET ABOUT THIS?

So, I get back to the hotel, read my e-mail telling me that I'm not getting interviewed, and then end up not sleeping. I have been up for over 28 hours now. I stayed up all night reading and chatting online because I had to fill my mind up with something else or I would fill it with thoughts about this stupid job and my being alone. I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts because they will completely undo me. I have spent my last day in London laying in bed feeling sorry for myself not going out to see the last places I planned to visit. I am completely screwing myself over, and I'm fully aware of it. WHY AM I DOING THIS? I just don't get it. I will eventually get up, shower, and leave my room. I have to eat, for crying out stomach is making awful noises. Plus I have tickets to see Helen Mirren in the play The Audience here on the West End. I definitely won't miss it, but why have I done this? Again!

I'm almost 43 years old...yet I spend at least one day a week hidden away from the world (usually Sunday). I get up at some crazy late hour (usually after 10 a.m.) and lay on the couch all day like a vegetable watching TV. I don't shower, brush my teeth, etc. If I do leave my house, it's only to go get food. Sometimes I feel so childish and immature. Are there people I could call to hang out? Yes, but I don't want to. I just want to be alone wallowing in my being alone. See how stupid this is? I'm lonely, and I'm depressed about being lonely, so I shut myself off from everyone...alone. And yes, I take crazy pills can't fix this.

Please tell me I'm not the only person who acts stupid like this. I am fully aware of how asinine I am being, yet I continue. Why am I upset about this job? Why am I still jealous over those two boys in the restaurant? Why am I still in this damn bed?