Anyhow, today I had my first appointment. It wasn't a real therapy session, rather it was an interview. I met with a therapist and she ran through a bunch of questions: Do you or have you ever felt suicidal? (No) Do you ever have feelings of worthlessness? (Yes, sometimes) Any drug/alcohol addiction? (No) We eventually got to the whole part about being gay and Mormon. I ended up telling her a little about what it means, as well as experiences that I and some friends/acquaintances had while at BYU under the Honor Code. I explained that part of the Honor Code was that we agreed to help others abide by the Honor Code by turning them in. The look on her face was priceless! She couldn't believe it. And here's the kicker...I found myself sort of defending it. I realized afterwards that there were several things that she asked about, and often I would answer and then I felt this need to explain, justify, and/or defend my answer.
She asked if I had ever been a victim of abuse, either physical or sexual. Well, I've NEVER admitted this to anyone before, but yes, I was molested by my uncle when I was 6 years old. and later when I was 14. When I admitted this to her, I started to give her my reasonable explanation for why I never did anything about it: It was a long time ago, my uncle was only 17. He was a kid too. She asked why I haven't told anyone now that I'm an adult? My excuse: I don't want to burden someone else with that story. It would be like I'm trying to seek attention. Oh, and to be completely honest, I did not mention the time when I was 14. Why? I don't know, I just didn't. Weird.
Boy, this therapist must realize I'm a gold mine of craziness, huh? (I'm saying that while laughing...) Why am I defending the indefensible actions of others? Why am I excusing it? I'm more than certain that we'll address this as I attend my sessions. It's been a rather interesting day as I have dissected what we discussed. The rational, well-educated side of me is thinking I'm some kind of nut job, but even now, I don't want my uncle to get in trouble. I don't want to tell my family because it'll just cause drama. Another long story short...he just got out of prison. He's my dad's brother, he has no one. My dad won't have anything to do with him since the first time he was sent to prison in 1986 (this was his THIRD stint in prison. Both my grandparents are dead, and my dad's sister has also cut off contact from him. My mom has been befriending him via e-mail because she feels sorry for him. Last week he e-mailed her and said he was feeling suicidal. My mom, being the wonderful peacemaking person that she is, talked with him. Apparently he's doing better.
One thing is for sure, there's a lot up here in my head...our brains can really do a number on us. There is a part of me that is very excited to start talking about all of the crap going on up in my head, but another part of me just wants to forget about it and bury it. You know, "turn it off. It's the neat little Mormon trick!