Wow...I'm still reeling from what just happened at work today. Everything started off fine. It was actually a slow, uneventful day. That's because as a central office administrator, I had to work today even though all of our schools are closed for winter break. No phone calls, hardly any e-mails, no meetings, really a bunch of nothing. I was able to get caught up on some paperwork. About 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave though, the hammer fell. My boss' boss' boss came in an basically ripped me a new one.
She wasn't screaming and yelling, but she wasn't very pleasant either. Basically I'm not a team player. I am just in it for myself. I don't think about other people. I don't follow the rules. I don't follow the "chain of command." I throw people under the bus. I'm inconsiderate, immature, and I don't seem to be able to "get it." I am impulsive, I act without thinking, and I don't consider the consequences of my actions. I'm awful at communicating, again, I just act without giving any thought to how it would affect others. Oh, but I'm apparently a tremendous leader. I'm amazing. I do great work. I have her utmost trust.
Yeah...she ended our little session by giving me a hug. How nice!
I just can't figure this lady out. I also can't figure out the people I work with. My boss, who I thought was a friend, has been going in and telling on me. There were things that this lady said to me in our chat tonight that only my boss knows, because I confided in her. Apparently she has stabbed me in the back.
Here's my problem, and it's a problem I've had for as long as I can remember. I have no life outside of work. That's what I do...I work. I get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, watch TV, sleep, and then start the process all over again. I have no life outside of work. Work is my life.
So what do I do when the one thing I do in my life just isn't doing it for me? I make too much money to start a new career. No one would hire me outside of the educational field at my current salary. I have applied for a promotion, but as you can imagine, I didn't get it. It's painfully obvious why I didn't get it too. I can apply for a position back as a school administrator, but although it would technically be a promotion, it would be a salary cut for me. (Long story...) Plus, and I'm almost ashamed to admit it, I don't want to work at a school any more. With all of the crap going on in education with reform, pressure to force kids to graduate, testing, etc., it is HELL being a teacher or administrator. Why would I want to take on all of that extra crap for less pay?
I like what I do at work (most days), but I've been doing it for six years. I often feel like I'm just spinning my wheels. But how do I keep working at a place where my leaders think I'm a piece of crap? This lady that runs our division is very difficult to work for. She doesn't communicate anything, she has ADD. I swear today was the first time I ever had a conversation with her where I had her full attention. She's been with us for half a year already, and things are just chaotic. We have little to no direction, and when she does give us direction, it changes in a day or two. No one knows what they're supposed to be doing other than making flyers. Lots of flyers about our trainings. Those are VERY important, that and the footers we put on our documents. SUPER important that we follow a certain style. But our day-to-day activities? Who cares?
What am I supposed to do? I have zero hobbies. When work is done, I don't feel like doing anything else. Yeah, I could go to the gym and work out, but how do I find fulfillment in that? I normally find my validation and fulfillment in my work, and frankly, for the past year or so, I haven't been getting that. I just don't know what to do. I don't have close friends that I can talk to about this. I have friends from work, and I've learned recently that at work, no one really has my back but me. I certainly can't talk to them about my problems because it'll get back to "her." So do I just suffer in silence? Normally I would talk about this stuff with my parents. I brought it up with them when I was at their place for Christmas, but they didn't even react.
Do I turn into one of those zombies at our office who never seem to be doing anything? We have quite a few people who have nothing to do, so they sit around a do nothing. If someone gives them something to do, they do it, but otherwise, they sit back and wait to be told. Should I be one of them? I have to have something in my life that gives me meaning and purpose. I have to have something that charges my batteries. Right now I have nothing...I need to get a life.
